Too little
Every moment must count
“What is the practical point of that?”
The demand for usefulness leaves no room for harmless delight.
Playfulness
Make a little room for shared absurdity.
Readiness to make room for humane, shared lightness without making dignity its price.
Playfulness welcomes humane, shared lightness without making dignity its price. Friends may invent a ridiculous ceremony, misunderstand a board-game rule together or enjoy an old absurdity. The important word is shared: an unwilling target is not a necessary ingredient.
Playfulness gives company room for shared delight
The tea is ready. You appoint yourself Keeper of the Sacred Teaspoon. Your friend arrives wearing a colander crown of equal constitutional authority. For a few minutes the kitchen has a government with very little power and excellent refreshments. Neither of you has to lose dignity for the ceremony to work.
Finding the balance in Playfulness
An illustrative everyday situation
A quiet evening offers an opening for a silly shared idea.
A fitting response
A shared invitation
“Shall we give these biscuits terribly important titles?”
The joke offers participation without assigning a victim.
Pursued too far
The compulsory joke
“You must join in; do not be so serious.”
Amusement becomes a demand that someone surrender their mood or boundary.
An invitation to play remains an invitation when someone says no.
When the situation changes
A friend who usually enjoys a joke may not enjoy it today. You can change the tone without making their preference the next joke.
What Playfulness makes possible
Shared lightness can give friendship a form beyond advice, achievement and problem-solving. It is not a treatment or a duty to cheer someone up. A quiet evening may be companionable without being funny.
Playfulness in ordinary life
The invented ceremony
You and a willing friend award a paper crown to the most lopsided pancake.
The missed cue
A friend does not enjoy a teasing remark, so you stop rather than arguing that they should have found it funny.
Nearby virtues, different work
Benevolence
Benevolence wishes the friend well; playfulness gives that regard a shared lightness when welcome.
Discretion
Discretion keeps a private joke from becoming public exposure.
Playfulness and its counterfeits
Counterfeit: Humiliation with a laugh track
Making a friend’s vulnerability the price of group amusement is a counterfeit of playfulness. Shared delight does not need an unwilling target.
Counterfeit: The permanent entertainer
Treating yourself as responsible for everyone’s mood is a counterfeit of playful companionship. You may be quiet, too.
How to cultivate Playfulness
Choose an absurdity both people can enjoy from inside the joke.
Notice whether the invitation is still welcome.
Let a joke end without demanding one more laugh.
Try it today
Invite a willing friend into a small harmless absurdity: an invented title, a silly drawing or a playful rule for a game. Accept a no or a change of mood without teasing.
In friendship
Share the joke; never make someone’s dignity the price.
Questions worth returning to
Who is enjoying this joke, and who is paying for it?
Can I let the moment be light without requiring it to last?
Keep the practice proportionate
Keep the joke shared, and stop when someone wants it to end.
About these practices · DisclaimerQuotations and further reading
Seven selections to return to through the week. Follow a source link to read the surrounding passage.
Playfulness is a more important consideration than play.
John Dewey · How We Think · chapter XII, Activity and the Training of Thought; § 2; p. 162 · excerpt
Dewey distinguishes a playful disposition from a particular activity. Friends can bring lightness to an ordinary evening without organizing entertainment.
I fluttered my clumsy apologies for wings, and forgetting self, flew about with all the others, as happy as a bird.
In Wiggin’s account, an adult joins the make-believe and briefly forgets self-consciousness. The shared enjoyment offers a contrast to making someone else the target.
a stout gentleman was frolicking with two little boys on the sofa,
Louisa May Alcott · Little Men · chapter I, Nat; narrator · excerpt
Alcott’s adult joins the children’s frolic. The scene gives shared play a place in adult life.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
Kahlil Gibran · The Prophet · On Friendship; Almustafa speaking · excerpt
Almustafa explicitly gives laughter and shared pleasures a place in friendship. The pleasure belongs to the participants together.
To be playful and serious at the same time is possible, and it defines the ideal mental condition.
John Dewey · How We Think · chapter XVI, Some General Conclusions; § 2; p. 218 · excerpt
Dewey refuses a false choice between seriousness and playfulness. Friends can care about each other while enjoying an absurd moment.
sunshine, children’s laughter, hum of bees, and scent of flowers are being bottled up for after refreshment.
Charlotte M. Mason · Home Education · Part II, Out-of-Door Life for the Children; p. 43 · excerpt
Wiggin imagines small joys stored for later refreshment. An ordinary shared amusement need not earn its place through productivity.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
Kahlil Gibran · The Prophet · On Friendship; Almustafa on shared pleasures · excerpt
Almustafa’s dew image values small pleasures. An old joke or a quiet amusement can refresh a friendship.
Continue exploring
Take these ideas into everyday life
Read freely, follow the seventeen-virtue program, or adapt this collection in My Virtues. Friendship is not measured by a friend count or a perfect record.